Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
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*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me sliding into hell like
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
“Theirye’re” problem solved
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.