“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
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Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Blew my mind.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.