*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
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me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.