bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
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This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.