me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
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My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia