I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
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8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes