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5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.