Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
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I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I want to meet the individual who made this
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude