You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
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Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!