Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
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Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
This chloroform smells expensiv…
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board