The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
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Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?