My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.