House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
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I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Welcome
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume