Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
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Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.