a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
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I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.