Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
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Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life