The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
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My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them