I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
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Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many