Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
me, too, girl. me, too.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.