I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
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If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Monday Lisa
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER