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“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Perfect.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Self-cleaning conscience
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.