[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
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mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.