Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
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On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
How all things should be taught/explained.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.