taking June’s advice to heart
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officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss