Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
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we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Get in loser we’re going crying
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?