Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
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[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
When can I start eating bats again.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.