My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
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*offers Batman cough drops*
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane