You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
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Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind