When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
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[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Where’s my employee discount too?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.