Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
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If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys