Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
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Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs