I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
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the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want