I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
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Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
#Caturday
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.