Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
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Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me buying fruit and veg
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda