I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
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[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
A Short Story.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Donkey Kong sommelier
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.