I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
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Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it