Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
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I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.