Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
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“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Happy weekend !
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*