Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
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I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”