[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
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My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
my first dose meeting my second
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Me checking my bank balance online.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.