Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
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doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something