Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
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Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit