I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
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My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.