I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
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History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go