Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
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If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*