Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
You Might Also Like
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Oops
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Haha! 😂
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.