Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
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SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Google Pay be like:
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.