Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
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diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
New tinder profile pic
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another