Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
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It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.