11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
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I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Who says great literature is dead?
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
wtf management?!
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Free him
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.